Looked at too many depressing blogs

I was looking around at some other blogs yesterday, at the really artsy ones with the vintage and the prose and the dresses and the 70's style collages, and I felt with a pain of regret that I really wasn't one to dwell and sink anymore as others dwell and sink in the blogsphere in a thoughtful pretty way.

Don't get me wrong, I used to write a lot more. I sometimes put some prose in it with quite a bit of the sinking and the dwelling, sometimes too much so, because the prime reason I stopped was because I was tired of the dwelling and tired of the sinking, and I had all these words that needed to be written but I didn't know where they went or even if I wanted to write them down. And so I wrote a bunch of sappy songs about it.

That being said, I look at where my blog is now years and years later, and instead of being clearer because it isn't wrapped up in the sinking and the dwelling, it's confused and complicated.

I started this new blog to try and find a voice, and I find that I'm still searching. And I can't push from my head words from an old doctor I had at a walk-in-clinic who told me, quite frankly

"what are you going to do when you grow up?"
"I dunno."
"I don't know either." And I stared him down and he suggested, "I just keep trying out until I know."

which isn't really the thing you want a 60 year-old doctor to tell you before he does minor surgery on you, but thats life for you. An endless search for a type of vision and distinct voice, and by the time I find it I might already be dead.

But the one thing I can promise, is that, at the very least, I won't get stuck talking about my 'darkness' or any of the other sinking dwelling terms that permeate through this emo blogsphere in vintage colors and super-saturated filters. Since I've been there done that, and while I might not be the same writer that I was, because I remember being wittier and I remember being more clever, at least I'm not that same writer that I was. And that I know worth something.

So I'm reminded of another thing I learned from an old teacher of mine that when you feel like you're drawing worse than you were in Kidnergarten--it means your about to grow, you're about to get better really soon, and you just have to keep pushing it and you'll be better than you ever were before it.

and I think I know why now, it's because I know how faulted my art is, and that's the problem with being an artist and the ability to be an artist all in one. Like you can always be a good accountant when you graduate school, but not in art. Art is a life-long process without anything test to show how good you are, and you might never be 'good artist' as long as you live to yourself while everyone else insists 'of course you are.'

So I'm in a slump to try and be better, using everyone elses ideas to try and fix my artistic problems. I've been reading other peoples lives as if it were a premonition of what mine could be. I've been trying to copy other people's trends thinking 'will that sell?' and while that's good to a point, I still wonder in the midst of it...but what do I really want to do?


And apparently all I still want to do is draw cats and fat chickens. Sometimes penguins. And people in weird outfits with long skinny legs.